Intimacy After Birth: Sorry for the Letdown
Oh boy. I feel like this is a topic that doesn’t get talked about enough. Let’s break down the barriers to physical intimacy after childbirth and what you can do:
Vaginal trauma/vaginal dryness - freshly healed wounds and new scar tissue can make intercourse painful. Also the hormones after childbirth, especially if breastmilk feeding can cause vaginal dryness. Talking to your partner about these things, taking time to “warm up” before intercourse as well as using a water based lubricant can all help to make the experience more enjoyable. Changing up positions may help. Seeing a pelvic floor therapist can help.
Body image changes- loose skin and stretch marks may make you feel self conscious. Talking to your partner and wearing flattering lingerie may help you to feel more confident and sexy. If these feeling become consuming, seeing a mental health counselor that specializes in maternal mental health can help.
You feel gross- self care when you’re in survival mode may have taken a back seat. It is difficult to feel sexy when you haven’t styled your hair or done your makeup let alone washed your hair. More on that here.
You’re touched out- there is a little human that is completely dependent on you for everything. You are holding, feeding, changing, etc. It may be hard for you to switch from parenting mode to partner mode. This transition does not come automatically and may take some unwind time. After putting baby down, take some time to do something for yourself that will make you feel more like a partner and less like a mom. Putting on some music, taking a shower, wearing something nice and doing hair and makeup, whatever makes you feel good and like yourself. Allowing partner or other trusted person such as a postpartum doula to help with baby to give you a break to reset.
Change in family roles - (real talk) you may resent how much your life has changed and how many more responsibilities are placed on your shoulders and may resent the lack of change to your partner’s life. This takes many couples by surprise. Ways to help with this is to clearly line out expectations before baby. Communication, asking for what you need and having temporary (or permanent) help around the house like a postpartum doula or house cleaner can help with managing household chores and decrease stress.
Breast changes - breasts may have played a major role in foreplay prior to baby. If you’re breastmilk feeding, the oxytocin release from pleasure and climax can even cause a letdown of breastmilk. This change in the bedroom can lead to self consciousness. Exploring new and different foreplay can help as well as wearing flattering lingerie that allows for discreet breast pads is something you can do to help. Talking to a maternal mental health counselor can help as well.
I hope that if you’re reading this while you’re expecting it can open up communication with your partner around this topic.
If you’re reading this during the postpartum period, I hope that you now know that what you’re experiencing is experienced by many and you are not alone.
I hope this article helps to open a dialogue about a topic that is not often discussed enough.
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